One of my spies (Johnny Beerseed) has been keeping tabs on Tories for the past few days. Here, I pass on to the world his report.
Today is one of those days were there is no exciting news; however, I have a few juicy bits about some of our founding fathers.
PATRICK HENRY was arrested last night for Riding Under the Influence (doesn't he know that they always put up cattle guards as a road block from drunken riders on Thirsty Tuesday?). He was picked up off of DOG street, swerving on his trusty steed. He failed to submit to a sobreity test and was put in the stocks until 9 am. When he was released, he had the odd scent of cabbage on him...was it the wig makers new scent, "Humiliation?" Or was it Bruton Parish Church's, "Essence of Judgement?"
In other news, THREE UNIDENTIFIED MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF BURGESSES were spotted running away from a good ol' barreler of a party. The British soliders were unable to catch up with them due to their necessity to stay in formation. However, when they went back to the house for evidence, they found 4 barrels of meade and evidence of a possible game of shillings. Too bad those coins didnt make it to the taxing bin of King George.
Lastly, GEORGE WASHINGTON was found attempting to steal Jerky from Ye Ol' Wawa. When caught by the Torries, he was questioned, at which point he said he could not tell a lie and stated that he was, in fact, guilty. With this just in time for the race for the position of general, will his Tory opponent defeat him or will he prevail still not having the teenager vote? Everyone loves a bad ass.
Well, thats all the news from this lovely city that I abide in...I hope that General Mosby hasn't been hitting any other generals on the ass anymore.
Signing off,
The best point of the three-cornered hat of TorieTabloid spies,
Johnny Beerseed
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